Emotional Manipulation

What does emotional manipulation look like? 

    • Preventing a child from expressing negative emotions 

• Sharing inappropriate personal disclosure 

• Using empty words 

• Lying by commission or omission

• Diversion/Evasion- not responding directly to questions and instead going off at a tangent or being vague 

• Covert Intimidation. Making implied, subtle threats to place a child into a defensive position.

• Manipulating a child by using flattery, charm, and praise to gain their trust and loyalty.

• Scapegoating 

• Emotional blackmail

• Verbal aggression

• Control through money or material goods

• Behaving in a passive-aggressive manner

• Withholding of unconditional love 

• Direct or implied threats of physical punishment

• and much more

 Why do parents emotionally manipulate their children?

 Parents may use emotional manipulation out of frustration or perhaps discomfort with direct communication. Many parents fall back on how their own parents raised them. Either way, when parents revert to using emotional manipulation or invalidation, they risk preventing their children from learning how to manage their emotions and developing their emotional IQ. 

How can you become more comfortable with direct communication and be more aware of the impact you have on your child’s emotional development?

 When our children are toddlers, we can help them regulate their emotions by avoiding distressing situations or by distracting them from those situations. 

We teach young children to handle those situations by themselves by identifying their emotions. Naming emotions help toddlers learn that emotions are normal and everyday opportunities provide occasions to talk to kids about feelings: “He sure looks happy.” “Why do you think he is acting so angry?”

As they grow older, they will then begin to understand and differentiate appropriate from inappropriate emotional expressions. However, they may still find it hard to express their emotions, especially if they haven’t learned to identify and name them.

When we teach kids that their feelings are valid, we show them how to view them as normal and manageable. Our children also learn about managing their emotions by watching us manage our own emotions or by how we react to their feelings. 

In short, we can help our children manage their emotions by validating their emotions and providing a space where they feel safe to express them.