Holding Space

When your child crosses boundaries or breaks the rules, you may become frustrated or show up as an angry parent. Holding space is a way to balance your child's individual expression and agency with the causes and effects of everyday life.

First, it's helpful to define the difference between a "boundary" and a "rule." 

Boundaries are a way to take care of yourself, not to control other people. They follow the formula: "If you X, then I will Y." Boundaries tell other people what you will do if the boundary is not respected; They do not tell people what they should do. Boundaries may sound like "I will not talk to you until you lower your voice." Or, "if you argue at the table, I will leave."

Because we are responsible for our children's safety and teaching them how to care for themselves in this world, we put rules into place. Rules are designed to regulate behavior. They tell our children how they should act, and they are enforceable. Rules are "you must brush your teeth" or "no swimming in the pool without a lifeguard."

Boundaries are all about power over your own decisions. Rules are about power over your child's decisions. Holding space is about showing up as your highest self and utilizing the power of love.

To hold space:

1. Start by cleaning up your thinking and loving yourself, warts and all, regardless of your thoughts about your child's experience. Feel what you need to feel and allow yourself space to be.

2. Gently move forward in love as your highest self.

3. See your child as they indeed are, whole and complete.

4. Just listen

Holding space is powerful in a way that is different from setting boundaries or enforcing rules. Remember to follow through on consequences with love, being careful not to tie your emotional wellbeing to the children's behavior.

When you hold an unconditional space where thoughts and emotions can be examined, unraveled, and understood, your child gets to "act out" their negative feelings in a clean space, with the help of a parent who sees them as whole, and beautiful. 

Try these two concepts out and let me know your experience. You can reach me at me@eugenianascimento.com.