A Starting Place
When our love for ourselves is unconditional, we can show up better as parents, both because we can parent from a place free from fear and self-criticism and also because we can model self-love for our children. Be an example of what is possible. The gifts are many.
love
starts with you
Love yourself
Be truth
In good times as well as in bad
Anything less is at your expense
I spent this past weekend at home with the goal of getting down to the basics. I asked myself: what is important, and what is the best way to simplify? Where and how can I lighten my load? In doing so, funnily enough, two versions emerged, one short and one long. Choose whichever one resonates with you.
The Authentic Self is
(The short version)
Vulnerable and unafraid
Feels what it feels,
Willing to go all in and try
Decisive prepared to leap
Almost perfectly not perfectionistic
Directed with love
Not fake or replicated
Takes a knee to pause, regroup and move forward
The Authentic Self is
(The Long Version)
Unafraid of vulnerability
Transparent
Moves with integrity
The essence of you
Loves itself
Visible
Cause rather than the effect
Has no competition
Free
Speaks from the heart
Instinctive
Present in both the good and bad times
Inspiring
An independent thinker
Prepared to take the next a leap
Consistent
Eternally Alive
Inner directed
Gentle
Clear
Still and deep
Effortless
Fearless
Non-judgmental
Lives in truth
Knows when to walk away.
Aligned
Accountable
A leader
Loves what it does
Passionate
A natural energy
Conscious
Uncompromising
Thirst for freedom
Has the courage to say NO
Is what it feels
It can’t be fake
Let’s go and embraces
A lover of truth
Brings its best foot forward
Comfortable in its own skin
Unconditional love in action
Beautifully unique
True voice
Can’t be fake or replicated
Grateful
compassionate
Willing to try
Not perfectionistic
Me
What is a Life Coach?
Song Moo Kwan Taekwondo was offered on George AFB, and as a military kid who moved a lot, I often found myself on the receiving end of bullies. So five days a week, I was in my dojo with thirty other military families perfecting forms, breaking boards, sparring, and doing pushups, situps, and squats. I became not only physically strong but mentally strong as well.
The Korean term for martial arts instructors is Sabom, a coach or "respected coach." Studying with my respected coach, I earned my black belt at 16, took first place in regional tournaments, and was featured in Karate Illustrated Magazine.
Although I never became a Sabom, I am a Master Coach, I serve not as a therapist, a guru, a spiritual guide, or a friend. As a coach, I help you remember to see yourself as a whole, beautiful and perfect, which is to say that I help you see yourself as you are.
By being who we are, we offer our best to the world. Doing this requires the courage to face ourselves, feel our feelings, and examine our thoughts.
I encourage you to be present in the nowness of now - to breathe deeply and to seek to make the best mistakes you know how.
I work with you to remember what you already know to be true. I ask questions and engage with you in different activities. Should you struggle with a point in our work together, I work to simplify the spots where you may become trapped.
Our work together is centered on you. I grow through being the best coach I can be. As your coach, I function not as an expert in a specific subject matter but as an expert in the learning process itself. I help you to discover your way of learning.
My priority is to center our work on your experiences and to identify theories and ways of thinking that may help you connect with those experiences in a new way. You are your own responsibility. That does not change. As you grow, I will encourage you to discover the gifts of being self-directed, self-aware, and aligned with the world around you.
I invite you to sign up for a coaching session. Let's get started.
Although it has not always been the case, at this stage of my life I have places where I experience a true sense of belonging and I am eternally grateful to know what it is to belong. A fellow coach recently asked me what my thoughts are on belonging, and I would like to share my response with you.
In a place of Belonging you can…
choose individual thoughts and actions
step away for the need to conform.
be the entire ocean in a drop
be safe and comfortable when you do not know what you are doing
share your most authentic self with the world
find sacredness in being a part of something
trust yourself, your passions, and your sorrows.
love from a place that never forgets or stops
open your heart in acceptance
know peace when you stand alone in the wilderness.
Be safe when you do not feel like yourself
simply be who you are
Negative emotions are challenging to deal with—but that doesn't mean we shouldn't feel them. Feeling all of our feelings in full, positive or negative, is part of being human and navigating the world.
Or, in the words of a children’s adventure song about going on a safari journey, “Can't go over it, can't go under it. Can't go around it. Gotta go through it.”
Suppressing our emotions does not resolve our problems but tends to cause failure to resolve the underlying issue, and it can also breed feelings of shame, guilt, and anxiety.
Here are eight indications that it may be time to tackle negative feelings head-on.
1. When numbing painful emotions, you find that you feel numb to the positive
emotions as well.
2. When It is hard to remember who you are because you are busy pretending
to be someone else.
3. When you view negative emotions as bad rather than emotions that are harder
to experience or that cause more distress.
4. When you think that suppressing emotions makes them easier to manage.
5. When we overgeneralize how happy we are or deny, minimize and
invalidate what we are feeling.
6. When we judge how others process their feelings, thus limiting ourselves.
7. When our words don't match our actions, or we refuse to be held accountable.
8. When we use constant positivity as a form of avoidance.
Unlike kind, constructive feedback, criticism can feel like finding yourself on the receiving end of someone else's unmanaged mind.
Whether kind or harsh, constructive or not, there is always something to learn from the experience. Taking a step back and looking for the underlying facts can help you build strength and gain perspective.
By doing and being the best we can and having our own back, we can realize the ancient alchemist's dream and turn lead into gold.
Criticism
Problem-focused
Or to recognize, resolve correct, and move forward
Contempt before investigation
Or an insight into undeveloped recoverable skills
More about them
Or more about me
Opinion and judgment
Or facts that build strength
Pause, Take a Deep Breath
Familiarize the impact
Helpful criticism may hurt.
Ignore how it is said
Listen to what is said,
Feel your feelings
Do self-care.
Get curious
Be creative,
Find a truth you can use
Resting vs. Laziness 2023
The last six months of this cycle have been jam-packed with life. As I caught up on some much-needed rest this week, I thought about the differences between being lazy and resting.
As I look outside my window, I notice the shortened days and the longer nights that signal a time of rest in the plant and animal kingdoms. So why do I think I need to gear up, go full throttle, and keep up a crazy pace?
I like to check in with myself when my inner voice and my outer life don't line up. Am I running and going nowhere, or am I walking to the nearest exit of a familiar yet strange loop? Am I caught up in the busyness of seemingly necessary actions rather than the whispers of my heart toward a compelling future?
There is a third option to moving forward or sliding back. It's called resting, healing, silent contemplation, and listening. So when you find yourself huffing and puffing your way to exhaustion, surrender your load and take a knee, breathe deep and slow, regain your rhythm, and as sure as spring follows a hard winter when the time is right, you will continue your goals of who you want to be five years from now in love and without fear.
Resting vs. Laziness
There is virtue in work
virtue in rest
overlook neither.
Stillness does not require busyness
Resting is not being lazy. It is self-care.
A heart listens
A mind gets tired.
When you're tired, rest
give yourself a break.
Know you are not responsible for fixing all things broken.
Know you don't have to please everyone.
Know your baggage seldom matters.
Know you don't have to have everything figured out.
Be kind to yourself, decide
quality over quantity or quantity over quality.
Move slower, be mindful, be nicer to you
heal mentally, emotionally, and physically
regenerate repair and rebuild.
In service to others, take care of yourself.
Know what holds you together.
Know when to catch your breath.
Know your work-rest balance
commit to your wellness.
Change requires rest.
A calm mind requires rest.
Rest holds space for all you experience.
Celebrate what works and take care of what doesn't.
Change, renew, rejuvenate or harden.
Give yourself a chance by
doing what you love and love what you do.
Permit yourself to rest.
As I unwind from a beautiful holiday with my family, I thought to repost a blog that is as true today as it was when I originally posted it a year ago.
Much has changed for me over the past year. I have written a book and moved forward in my professional and personal life while anchoring my dreams to the greatest love I know. My anchor in love remains my focus for the upcoming year, and I would like to share it again with you.
This week my coach asked me two questions.
What has been your biggest accomplishment in the last six months? How does that feel? What is your thought that is making you feel that feeling?
What is your impossible goal for 2021?
I was attending a group coaching session, so I got to listen to others be coached on the first question before it was my turn. I had a million thoughts and feelings racing through my brain before my turn to answer, and although I know I gave a response in the moment when I reflected on the question later, it became clear that there was so much more to discover in my answer. And the same thing happened when we went around a second time to discuss our impossible goal for 2021. Goals that I had set long before the coaching session flew out of my head. I was again able to come up with an answer, but it was clear that whatever goals I set previously were not yet anchored in my heart.
My answers were a place to mark time and space, but the great gift for me was found in the time that I spent working through the answer in my own time and turning the question over in my mind as you answer these questions for yourself. Don’t worry about the feelings racing through your heart, the past results, or the accuracy of your answer. It is okay if the answer is an approximation. The goal is not in the gaining of knowledge but the understanding of your truth. Get it out and be open to letting your truth change you.
My answers came to me in an interesting way. On the night before Christmas, a storm was expected in New York, with wind gusts exceeding 65 miles per hour. I first thought that I needed to make sure that my terrace furniture was secured to the rail post so that it didn’t blow away and cause others personal damage. However, I had already done this earlier in the season, anticipating a storm just like this one. When the storm came, I looked out of the window a few times, but I was able to surrender my worry.
It was then that I found my anchor. My 2021 goals are embedded in the truths that I have discovered, loved, and nurtured over my lifetime. They are embedded in my sense of self and in my sense of purpose. As we grow and shed what is no longer needed, it is important to reconnect with our core truths as we look to move forward.
Pick an impossible goal, plan for your epic fails, and embrace the benefits of failing. Just make sure that these goals are anchored in your sense of self and your sense of purpose; it is a good way not to get caught in the wind.
Mind Drama
Using our minds for math is simple.
2 + 2= 4. There is nothing dramatic about that equation.
But when we ask questions such as whether we are good enough or how we will reach our goals, we look for simple answers on the other side of these equations, and we won’t find them.
Drama is a word that we use to describe an exciting, emotional, or unexpected event or set of circumstances. Drama in and of itself is neutral (neither good nor bad) and something we all experience sometimes.
Mind drama (i.e., confusion, doubt, worry, and overwhelm) does not serve a purpose. Mind drama creates limitations instead of possibilities and allows us to stay stuck. Although the drama may feel necessary, these emotions do not allow traction, growth, or movement.
It may be easy to fall into this familiar pattern - to be overactive, exaggerate the details, and allow our minds to come up with an endless string of why we can’t or won’t realize our dreams. Engaging in this drama is indulgent and, often, a way to procrastinate addressing the real issues before us.
I encourage you to bypass the drama and courageously face your fears head-on. Know that you are loved unconditionally, and it is ok to desire the best in life as long as you can handle not getting it. Know that life is happening as it should. Open your heart and accept life. Have your own back, be and do the best you can and you will find yourself stepping into your dreams.
Have Your Own Back
Recently I was thinking about how to better appreciate the people who have touched me profoundly. As I reflect, I am mindful that these important relationships are often complicated and come with challenges and mixed, heightened emotions.
Many of these people are no longer in my life, and our relationships are complete. As I reflect on this, I notice that I prefer to remember the magical moments of our times together. However, to take in the full scope of gifts and our time spent, I must embrace and love them unconditionally.
Making this shift has given me new insight into having the courage to follow my heart and to have my own back. In the spirit of knowing it is never too late, I thank those who I once thought of as having made my life challenging. Looking back, I am able to appreciate the ways that those relationships gave me the strength to love myself no matter what and to always have my own back.
Have Your Own Back
Love is having your own back
It’s up to you to be on track
Feeling through the darkest hours
Finding strength within love’s power
Love is having your own back
As you watch your thoughts circle back
Love is having your own back.
Please yourself to best giveback
Honor other’s successes bold
Look toward what’s yours to control
Love is having your own back
Release the past rather than hold back.
Love is having your own back.
Lean into what you think you lack
Humble with humility
Past mistakes, forgive nightly
Love is having your own back
Rest if you must, and give yourself some slack
Love is having your own back.
Time alone brings gifts to that
Embracing change opens your heart
Holding space is a good way to start
Love is having your own back
Be who you are, and know love attracts.
Turn the Carpet : Or the Two Weavers
This week has been challenging, and I am actively processing it. My thoughts and feelings are not coming together in words, but in times like now, I look to words written or shared by others as inspiration. So rather than taking a knee, I want to share a favorite poem that has helped me shift gears towards another perspective, written by Hannah More and shared by Harold Klemp.
by Hannah More
As at their work, two Weavers sat,
Beguiling time with friendly chat;
They touched upon the price of meat,
So high, a Weaver scarce could eat.
What with my brats and sickly wife,
Quoth Dick, I'm almost tired of life;
So hard my work, so poor my fare,
'Tis more than mortal man can bear.
How glorious is the rich man's state!
His house so fine! his wealth so great
Heaven is unjust, you must agree,
Why all to him, why none to me?
In spite of what the Scripture teaches,
In spite of all the Parson preaches,
This world (indeed I've thought so long)
Is ruled, methinks, extremely wrong.
Where'er I look, howe'er I range,
'Tis all confused, and hard, and strange;
The good are troubled and oppressed,
And all the wicked are the blessed.
Our ignorance is the cause, said John
Why thus we blame our Maker's laws;
Parts of his ways alone we know,
'Tis all that man can see below.
See'st thou that Carpet, not half done,
Which thou, dear Dick, hast well begun?
Behold the wild confusion there,
So rude the mass it makes one stare!
A stranger, ignorant of the trade,
Would say, no meaning's there conveyed;
For where's the middle, where's the border
Thy Carpet now is all disorder.
Quoth Dick, " My work is yet in bits,
But still in every part it fits;
Besides, you reason like a lout,
Why, man, that Carpet's inside out.
Says John, " Thou say'st the thing I mean,
and now I hope to cure thy spleen;
This world, which clouds thy soul with doubt,
Is but a Carpet inside out.
And when we view these shreds and ends,
We know not what the whole intends;
So when on earth things look but odd,
They're working still some scheme of God.
No plan, no pattern, can we trace,
All wants proportion, truth, and grace;
The motley mixture we deride,
Nor see the beauteous upper side.
But when we reach that world of light,
And view those works of God aright,
Then shall we see the whole design,
And own the workman is divine.
What now seem random strokes, will there
All order and design appear;
Then shall we praise what here we spurn' spurned,
For then the Carpet shall be turned.
Thou'st right, quoth Dick, no more I'll grumble,
That this sad world's so strange a jumble;
My impious doubts are put to flight,
For my own Carpet sets me right.
When we see the shreds and ends of our own lives, turn the carpet. Look on the other side. See what’s there. See the beauty that speaks to the handiwork of the creator. Harold Klemp, (The Master’s Talks in the Year of Light and Sound - 2013- 14, pp.24-26, 29)
Moving through Frustration
In the middle of a fantastic week, I recently had a challenging conversation with a family member. Navigating this conversation, I learned a lot about my own process and how I move through frustrating moments. Perhaps you will find my experience helpful.
Recipe to Move Through Frustration
Ingredients ( 14 items): Begin by assembling your ingredients. Quantities may vary.
1 cup expectation
1/2 cup perceptions
2 cups different points of view, mixed
10 oz throat closing
10 oz heart compressing
1 cup shallow breathing
2 oz rush of adrenaline
1/4 c fight (or flight, if you have it on hand)
3 whole scattered thoughts
In a small bowl, mix ingredients until they don’t feel good, and then put them in a 400 degree telephone call.
When bubbling, remove frustrations from heat. Organize your emotions, and identify them. Focus and share your thoughts (I like to write, but choose what works best for you). Add 1 cup of listening to the other person and 12 oz of breathing. Season with physical movement, to taste.
Release your expectations of yourself, and of others. When you have the courage to feel your feelings, they cannot control you.
Plate your dish, and enjoy.
Mastery
Today, I was thinking about what it takes to master something. To become good at something and truly master it requires first learning about it from others who know how to do it. As we’ve all heard in many a commercial, the next step is to just do it. And then do it some more.
To master something, you must practice it until you reach the stage where you are conscious that the more you learn, the more you realize there is left to learn. Mastery is not a short process. It’s a month or, more likely, years-long investment into yourself. The gift is that life continuously reveals new ways for each of us to contribute to the world around us. I am grateful to serve as a life coach in accord with my heart's natural stirrings and talent.
Until you find your next new way to serve life, here are some helpful notes on becoming good at something you want to pour your heart into:
Be a beginner who does not look for shortcuts and a student that helps others find their way.
Start from where you are, give everything that you used to be, and know you still have time to become.
Do what you were born to do.
Look for the blessing in every conflict.
Dare to risk failure and face your fears rather than avoiding them.
Have the patience to see reality objectively and take the time to fill your heart with quiet silence.
Do not allow your thoughts, feelings, and actions to overpower the whispers of your heart.
Remember to add what is uniquely you.
Have an open heart and an Infinite love revealed in your every action.
Embrace purpose, creativity, and autonomy, and develop strength, wisdom, compassion, surrender, and acceptance.
Practices detachment and use frustration to inform you where you can practice more.
Respect the simplicity of creativity and truth
Recognize mastery in the reaching, not in the arriving.
Be present in the now and let tomorrow be determined by today.
Here in New York City, it is fall. I love autumn; it is a beautiful season of transition. The temperatures have dropped enough for me to close a few windows as we prepare for our first sight of snow.
As a great teacher, nature shifts from loss and makes room for growth. The ground is full of leaves, while plenty are still on the trees. There is a promise of the winter that is yet to come.
This week, I felt overwhelmed. I missed an important meeting and have been out of step. There is always so much to process this time of year, and in an attempt to clear my head, I went for a walk in a beautiful garden overlooking the Hudson River. The upcoming winter requires that the trees prepare for the transition. They must let go of their beautiful fall leaves and seal the spots on their branches where the leaves were once attached. This process of letting go and healing makes it possible for the tree to survive the wind, sleet, snow, and the winter's harshness. The wind blows, and the branches sway, but without their leaves, they have a better chance of not breaking under the weight of heavy snow.
Nothing is lost while the leaves scatter. They form a blanket on the ground and become mulch that protects the tree's roots. Everything works in harmony, and everything has a purpose. Nature has a way of getting organized; she wastes nothing, and lets go of the unnecessary to better focus on what is necessary in the moment.
Nature does not have limiting beliefs, thoughts, and emotions. Nature does not resist the changes necessary to make room for growth. Because of this, we can all surrender and trust in the process. Every winter will be followed by a spring.
We find our own truth by doing the mental work of releasing and forgiving and asking key questions: How can I use this pain? How is this perfect? What can I do that comes from peace, is for me, and is not trying to change anything?
Be not unlike the autumn tree, and easily and comfortably release that which is no longer needed in your life.
Getting it Done
Careful planning is of the utmost importance when getting things done. This week I have been exploring my own process for getting things done, especially when I feel resistant and want to stand still. While I sort through and decipher the words and phrases that have been running through my mind, I also wanted to share them with you. As you read these words, where do they take you? If you would like to share, I'd love to hear from you.
- Eugenia
In the Center of Now
Discomfort is a stone on the pathway to my dreams
My thoughts are my travel companions
Constraint simplifies the load of my journey
My daily work grounds me in life's basics
I choose to see the parts of the whole in everything I do
Often I ask why
Mess-ups bring clarity along the way
I can feel my feelings,
I can step into my dreams
In a new way
In the Center of Now
I spread my wings and take flight
Money?
What are your money beliefs? Why do you believe them to be true? Can you earn more money than you ever thought possible? What is your money ceiling? What do you believe about having money? Or about not having it? How do you feel when you spend, and where can you find the correct answers to all of your money questions?
Growing up in a military family, I never thought much about money. We always had more than enough, which was sufficient for me.
Later, when I was first living on my own as a young dancer in New York City, I was told I had to pay my dues before earning money, that money was antithetical to art, or that having money would hamper my artistic development.
I have since grown to understand that money is neither good nor bad. When we look at money through the lens of the coaching Model, we see that money is the circumstance and that it is neutral until you have a thought about it. Your thoughts then drive your feelings, your feelings drive your actions, and your actions give you your results—our thoughts about money matter.
Money, not unlike water, is something that we all need to live, and it is everywhere. However, unlike water, money is a social construct. As a society, we have all agreed on the concept of currency, but it is still up to you to decide what money means and how you think about it.
Take the time to question your money beliefs. What are they? Are you thinking, “I need to earn this much per hour,” or are you thinking about creating value, putting it into the world, and letting it come back to you in a way that feels good? Are you a person who loves money, or do you love what money can buy? What is your relationship with money? Do you want to let it accumulate, or do you want to get rid of it or spend it as quickly as you can?
The highest truths about money won’t be written in my blog, financial journal, or book. It’s written in your heart. So look within and learn how to find your own answers to go through life with self-mastery.
Holding Space to Promote Self Healing
Communication is very important in all relationships, especially in our relationship with ourselves.
To hold a loving space for yourself to connect with your inner thoughts without blame, frustration, defensiveness, or justification is a necessary first step.
Moving past the primal need to hold on to old thoughts and beliefs at all costs often costs us our peace and personal growth.
One way to find inner peace is to give up right and wrong. Neither your past self nor the perspective you want to hold today has to be right or wrong. What might have been true to your past self may not hold up to who you are or long to be. Look for a middle place; that is often where a more balanced loving space resides.
In the past, we may have formed beliefs to protect ourselves or attempt to make sense of the world. Or in an attempt to control the thoughts and actions of others. As you move forward in this exercise, remember that all circumstances are neutral when we choose to be the cause rather than the effect of our lives, we have control over our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Let us begin by agreeing we don’t need to be right about anything.
This immediately removes the need for defense or justification of our past choices. Without defense, there is no need for offense, and the inner conflict is over.
Be willing to have your own back and hold yourself in unconditional love. Take a deep breath of peace. Know that the place you long to be requires you to love yourself throughout this journey.
At this point, brainstorm solutions rather than allowing yourself to think about the problem or the thoughts that no longer serve you.
The goal is to find a solution that makes life better than holding on to the past. Be willing to take some time with this.
Clean up your thinking. Be willing to be wrong. Then separate facts from your thoughts, based in the now and the thoughts based in the past, and focus on a solution.
Acceptance
Acceptance is a feeling or a choice made from a place that is nonjudgmental of self. Acceptance is an unconditional, loving gift that, by practicing and cultivating within ourselves, we can pass along to our children.
Acceptance
I respect you.
I receive you as you are and who you choose to be.
You are love, and you exist for yourself, not for me.
I do not have to understand you to know your value.
I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world.
I love you because you are you.
My approval or my authority is temporary. My love is unconditional and timeless.
Of all of the feelings available to you, how do you want to feel? Your feelings are your responsibility, and sometimes they take practice.
Every day for a week, practice the feeling of Acceptance. Allow it to build. How does your perception change?
Practice being the person I truly am
Not someone new
I reconnect and remember what it is like to Be
the flawed, imperfect, geeky, introverted, beautiful, enchanted person that’s me
Daily challenges unveil what I am capable of
I am gentle with myself,
Knowing to give respect to the challenges
I needed to overcome
Loving myself
to
better share love
A masterpiece
to be realized
Healing
letting go
of
must should’s beliefs and have to
uncovering who I am
Acting from the heart detaching from what remains
Being more than what I do
Being ok with not always feeling happy
careful to take time to rest, play, recharge,
so I can get up and do it all again.
