Wonder

This week during the holidays, I spent time with my three-year-old grandson and rediscovered one of the great secrets to happiness: curiosity. Through repetition, he learns, and each approach is done without self-judgment, as though he is doing it for the first time. He thinks and asks unlimited why’s. His only desire is to fully be. 

As I return home, I reset my clock to the timelessness, richness, fullness, and joy of now. I let go of fear by thinking and asking why.

Life is 

Easy and hard

Fast and slow

Cold and hot

Inside and outside

Good and bad

Quick and slow

Happy and sad

Yummy and yucky

Quiet and loud

Yes, and No

Life is an AND, not an OR

In this world of duality 

eliminating one means eliminating the other

Embrace the middle

Embrace it all

With 

Curiosity

Love

Grace

Detachment

Gratitude

Imagination

And Wonder 

A Holiday Treat

This time of year, I love baking my favorite treats and watching holiday movies. They are usually about a person who doubts their ability to achieve impossible dreams. Almost every time, they end up having an extraordinary life-changing experience that sets them on a journey of self-discovery and shows them that the wonder of life never fades for those who believe in their dreams.  

With the Winter Solstice upon us and the darkest days of the year, it is sometimes easy to lose belief in one's ability to achieve an impossible goal. 

Recipe to believing in your dreams ( A Holiday Treat)  

Ingredients ( 9 items): Begin by assembling your ingredients. Quantities may vary. 

1 cup failure

1/2 cup disbelief

6 oz hard knocks

2 cups living in the past

10 oz panic 

1 cup shallow breathing

2 oz rush of adrenaline

1 oz fight (or flight, if you have it on hand)

3 whole scattered thoughts 

Mix your failure, disbelief, and hard knocks together in a large bowl and set aside. In a small bowl, mix the remaining ingredients until they don't feel good, and then gently fold them into the large bowl of ingredients. Put in a 10 x 10 baking sheet and place in a preheated 400-degree ruminating thought loop. 

When bubbling, remove doubts from heat. Feel your emotions, and identify them. Focus and believe in yourself when it seems no one else does. Add 1 cup of unconditional love and 12 oz of making peace with the past. Season with faith in your timing and abilities, to taste. 

Know that life always provides a way for you to be your best self. Exercise your talents and seize the opportunities that are here. 

Plate your dish, garnish with gratitude, and share with others and enjoy.

Lessons Learned While Parenting

Lessons Learned While Parenting

emotional intelligence

respectful 

happy 

listening

boundaries 

validating 

awareness of self-worth

giving space 

holding space 

for feelings and emotions

To hold agreements

dialogue

a safe no

respectful 

natural consequences

conscious

Kindness

Gentleness

Assertiveness

Some days I did better than others. I am grateful always to have a reason to give it my all.

From the Heart

Yesterday I was productive for the first half of the day and then I spent the rest of it slowing down the chatter in my brain. I slowly unraveled my thoughts, faced some fears, and quietly sat alone.  

When my children were young I seldom had the time for this sort of reflection (or so I thought).  During this busy holiday season, give yourself the gift of yourself, slow down, and gain the wisdom that awaits you.  

Listen with your heart

It has important information

Coded directions

to your destiny 

The heart is truthful and effortless. 

Clear in its purpose

Knows how to do more than survive 

The heart believes

Knows how to  

daydream your destiny

The heart is strong 

So live your imagined life. 

The heart is brave

So go after what you want. 

The heart is bold 

So use your voice

From simple wisdom within you

The heart understands

From silence in the wind

The heart speaks

From a knowingness deep within

The heart knows the brain is at best a useful tool.

Have Fun

Due to health concerns and travel challenges, rather than following the tradition of holding a large dinner for friends and family, I decided to have a quiet Thanksgiving Day meal with my youngest daughter.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. A time to give thanks for the fantastic family and friends and life I am privileged to have. Our tradition is to start cooking the night before straight through to Thanksgiving afternoon. We all pile in the kitchen and cook our favorite foods, laughing, singing, and having fun with the parade playing in the background.

With my family not quite ready for a large gathering, I had to find another way to give back. IT SEEMED LIKE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY when I was offered the chance to be a balloon handler in the parade (the same parade that I watched every year and had enjoyed since I was a young child). I had no relevant experience or real idea of what it would entail, but I was all in.

To my surprise, it turned out that many of the lessons and blessings I was used to receiving at home with family and friends provided the basis for all I needed to know.

1. Have a servant's heart

2. Use kind words in a kind voice

3. Never stop in an intersection; that is where the wind is the strongest.

4. Work with your team; don't try to hold the balloon all by yourself.

5. Keep your eyes on the pilot. He will help you steer clear of obstacles.

6. At clean-up time, everyone pitches in

7. Have fun

I was grateful to see the many happy, cheering faces in the crowd. I missed my big family meal tradition, but I was glad to be reminded that love is always close by when you keep your heart open.

Patience

The other day, I watched my adult daughter unload and carry four heavy bags from my car and turn to take them into her apartment building. Realizing I could not help from my double-parked car, I pointed out that the bags were heavy and suggested she make two trips.  

My daughter looked at me and said, "you have an impatient daughter," before smiling and quickly carrying the bags into her apartment building. 

I sat in my car, recalling how she must have seen me do the same thing so many times before. Seeing and recognizing my own impatience passed on was sobering. 

As my children (and I) got older, I learned how to show up as the person I want to be for myself and as an example of what is possible for my children. For instance, I learned: 

• Patience is the art of breathing through your impatience.

• Slow down. You are moving too fast.

• As a parent, you deal with bad behavior and, more importantly, whatever condition caused the bad behavior.

• Patience is born from knowing yourself. Knowing yourself helps you have patience for what you see in others.

• Failure is when you stay where you have fallen. Hold a loving space for your children to get up.

• Things take time. Planted seeds do not sprout the next day, but that doesn't mean they never will. Be patient. Things will unfold for you.

• Know that you are the perfect parent for your child. Everything in the universe is within you. With love, ask all from yourself.

When we are patient and allow ourselves to make mistakes, we treat ourselves with compassion we are better able to hold space calmly for others. In this calm space, we can accept things that we cannot change, find the courage to change the things that we can, and develop the wisdom to know the difference.

A Good Life

Holiday time is in the air. Today I stopped by my favorite farm to pick up apples, cider, and donuts. The fall air was crisp, and the store was decorated with holiday cheer. I felt grateful for my family, simple pleasures in my life, and what I have learned this year.

A Good Life

I am grateful to all the lives that have touched my life. You make a difference. 

To be thankful that unhappiness and gratefulness cannot exist in the same moment.

That counted blessings, make blessings count, and one is a lot.  

To never forget that love gives cheerfully and accepts gratefully. 

That quiet joy and calmness live in gratitude.

To hold in gratitude for what I have before reaching for what I want.

That gratitude makes the best of how things turn out and turns what I have into enough.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness

I was pushing three-year-old Grandson in his swing today, and after his mom delayed his lunch for as long as she could, she told him it was time to go inside and eat.  He repeatedly and emphatically said no with a strength of awareness and commitment I had never seen from him before. I found myself smiling and being very grateful for the gift my daughter and son-in-law had given him.  

He was speaking his mind without guilt or fear of being punished for feeling.  He was freely expressing his truth from an authentically strong place. 

His mother showed him compassion while respecting his feelings and perspective, which led to a peaceful resolution of respect and compassion.

With his sense of self-worth intact and his feelings honored, I watched as his brain shifted gears, and he was able to be more receptive to his mom's request. I watched as she thoughtfully considered his perspective and engaged him in solving the problem at hand.

This beautifully choreographed dance allowed him to choose the things that affect him, with his mother holding a non-judgemental space free of force, dictating or physically controlling his actions. 

With compassion and emotional flexibility, she allowed him to experience the natural consequences of his actions with dignity.  

In the end, he accepted that it was time for our morning together to end and went inside to have lunch and take a nap. Not, however, before having practiced speaking up for himself and collaboratively problem-solving with those around him. 

When we choose to empower and teach our children to use their intuition and to be independent thinkers, we are also teaching them to say "NO" to us confidently.  

When we listen to our children, allow them to voice their dissent, and take their opinions seriously, we encourage them to find solutions and to know that their feelings and preferences matter. 

Assumptions in Parenting

Assumptions in Parenting

What and how you think creates your current life. Thoughts are the sentences that run continuously through your mind; they are the language in your mind about your circumstances. Sometimes we are aware of our thinking, but often we are not. It is easy to fall into a pattern of making and confirming our assumptions. 

The most challenging assumption is the one you don't know you are making. These automatic assumptions are often fear-based and cover a wide range of thoughts/beliefs. Many of our assumptions are learned behavior from our childhood. They come from our culture and families and from what we were taught to think as children. 

Assumptions are not all bad and do have a place. As critical thinkers, we often start from assumptions and then move to what we know for sure, or we can start from what we know and move to assumptions. When assumptions are proven to be true, then they become information. But, as parents filled with mixed emotions, it is challenging to follow objective, deductive and inductive reasoning.

Making assumptions about our children and their intentions shapes our response to them and can negatively affect our relationship. Being mindful of this, why do we continue to make assumptions? The short answer is the brain is designed to. It searches for patterns, or mental models, to make it a more efficient machine.

Instead of making assumptions about your children, strive to listen deeply, open yourself to inquiry without assumption or judgment, notice without judgment, be open to multiple possibilities, and don't be afraid of your worst-case scenario. Transform assumptions into questions, take the initiative and use your newfound free time toward yourself and nourish your creativity. 

Know that despite any assumptions you may make, you are the perfect parent for your child. In accepting the responsibility of being ourselves and not reacting to other people's perspectives, we become "cause "in our lives and not the effect of others. Freedom is living to your highest potential, heart, mind, and soul.

Planning

I like to start my week by making a plan. Planning allows me to be productive rather than just busy. Being busy feels good but often does not produce anything, whereas designing and implementing a plan saves time and ends with a product.  

I begin planning by writing down and prioritizing everything I need to do for the week. Next, I write down the necessary steps to complete my week's goals, assign an amount of time to complete each step of each goal, and commit myself to meet it. 

If I need to learn how to do something, I include learning it as one of the steps. If I don't know all the steps, I give my best guess and build in research time. The important part is to begin planning, and the “how” will appear along the way.

Before I add each step to my calendar,  I make sure to first include personal/fun/rest/family time. Then, I place every goal step in my calendar, and I do that step on that date and within the time frame, no matter what. For every hour I spend planning, I create about 10 hours I would otherwise waste trying to figure out what my next step should be. 

I find that planning is more effective when I focus on one large goal at a time. Often when I arrive at my calendar, I don't feel like doing what's on it. Having a single focus helps me do it anyway. It's not negotiable. 

Stay focused, keep moving, say no, know what you value and the life you want, and keep going. Simplify by reducing the number of things that consume your time and doing the things that create time. If your plan doesn't work, look to change your plan, not your goal. 

See you on the other side.

Making Time

Often we run around busily chasing things to check off of our to-do list. We lament that there is never enough time to do the things we love most. Or worse, we become so busy that we lose touch with what we love, do, be, hear, and dream.

An overactive life makes sitting still in quiet contemplation and getting in touch with our best selves harder, thus perpetuating the cycle. So how can we get time to slow down enough so that we can sit still and enjoy the beauty that life has to offer?

This one is simple. Just do it! It's okay to start small.

In a quiet spot, shut your eyes, think of something or someone you love, and let love enter your heart. Sing any word or sound that you choose. When I contemplate, I sing "HU" ( a love song). You can sing gently (aloud or internally, however, you feel most comfortable) and then sit silently for a few minutes. As you become more practiced, this exercise can become longer, but it doesn't need to be more than half an hour or so.

Gently notice where your mind wanders. Is it to worry? To dreams? Then quietly, look and listen for the love that returns to you. As the wrinkles in time unfold.

Time

This week was my grandson’s birthday.  During one of our Zoom calls, with all of the excitement an almost-three-year-old could muster, he said said.  “Mama says I have two more naps before my birthday.”  He effectively communicated that he understood when his important day would be. 

It got me thinking about time. As parents, we are tasked with building a bridge for our children to begin to understand this mental construct that we call time, while also managing our own. For the next few weeks, let's do a deep dive into time, what we believe about it, how we approach it and explore ways to best manage it.  

What is Time

Is it the precise instant that something happens

Or a wrinkle in time in play          

Perhaps an unconscious buffering distraction

Or a deliberate choice to be made

Is it a mental construct or illusion 

Or a haunting melody unchained

We can treat time seriously or lightly

Or gauge it best by the memories gained 

It is  something to choose to create

Or something you can’t wait to spend

Why does an hour in traffic,  with a loved one or a nonfriend 

Stop slow down, speed up, or seem to never end

The most important moment to be present is not in the future or past

Lean in... I am going to share it ... it is here in this moment it is NOW  

Coaching Q & A2

Question

I am having a hard time believing that my thoughts cause my feelings. Could you say more on the topic?What  am I supposed to think when I am on the receiving end of someone’s anger?

Answer

Other people do not have the power to control your feelings. Their feelings cause their actions, and their thoughts cause their feelings, never yours.   

You cause the pain you feel when you

1. Believe them 

 2. Think they disrespect you

 3. Think they should be behaving differently.

 4. Think… ( fill in the blank)

Although this is true, it was not true when we were children.  As a child, we were dependent on adults for survival. Therefore, the angry words of adults were hurtful. However, as adults transition into adulthood, they become the stewards of their ships and have the power to choose their thoughts which generate their feelings, fuel their actions, and produce their results.  

Along with that right of passage comes a freedom that ends where someone else's begins. By this, I mean that adults are responsible for everything we think, do, and say. We choose what we allow into our space and what we do not.  We choose who we spend time with, listen to, and believe. By doing these things, we step into the awareness that we are the primary cause of the results of our lives.

Puzzles

Puzzels

Problem-solving is one of the most important skills we can help our children develop.  It is crucial to help them trust in their ability to solve problems. 

Today during one of our Facetime visits, I watched my two-year-old grandson work on puzzles.  The first puzzle was a double-layer wooden puzzle.  When he completed it, he did a  victory dance around the family room in sheer joy.  Then he moved on to a more challenging three-layered puzzle.  As he finished the first layer and started the second, his voice became tense, and he was beginning to get frustrated.  He then took a lap around the family room to distance himself and regroup. I later found out he completed the puzzle several times that day. Under the watchful eye of loving adults, he was able to fail forward until he figued it out and taught himself that the process would get a little bit easier each time.

One of the best ways to learn problem-solving is by playing, and playing outside helps children develop better problem-solving skills and the ability to work within a group.

We often give children answers to memorize rather than problems to solve.  

Try teaching your children to listen to their bodies, be inner-directed, trust their process, and utilize their creative imagination by letting them experience meaningful and organic problem-solving opportunities they encounter throughout their day. 

Show them how to admit/verbalize/ the problem and how to proceed. Reassure your child that you believe in them and their ability to do hard things. When they realize they can tackle little challenges, they will confidently take on big ones. Some things in life will be challenging, but that is ok.

Be an example of what is possible by the way you problem-solve. Let them see how gracefully (or not) you persevere and learn through failure.  Let them see so that they can also realize that frustration, sadness, or fear are natural feelings and can’t hurt them when facing challenges.

Then partner up with them and take on an age-appropriate challenge together. Wonder, nurture their curiosity, research, and explore the examples that exist all around us of how nature solves its problems, and how it is impossible for a problem to exist without a solution. Be careful not to push, offer a shoulder for an emotional outburst, trust, play, and have fun. 

Community

Community

“Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted, counts.”

-Albert Einstein

While educating the heart and the mind, it is essential to have heart-to-heart connections. For humans to heal, grow, and have fun, they need community.

Today I had a surprise lunch in Harlem (an historic neighborhood in New York) with eight fellow life coaches. It was a fantastic afternoon of laughter, fun, and bonding, something that I had not experienced in a long time.

As parents, we strive daily to create/hold/ provide a safe space for our children to play and be children. However, especially in these challenging times, it is equally important that we take time for ourselves to have fun.

Play is a community glue. It brings us together. Being a parent does not mean we should no longer play. Eliminating play is a slippy slope towards old age. Find your balance find the time, be safe out there, and remember to have fun.

Trust

Over the last week, I was inspired to do a deep dive into the concept of trust. I have been working to better define and better understand what trust means to me. This week’s blog is the result of some of that process. 

I look forward to hearing what trust means to you. Please email me at me@eugenianascimento.com.

Trust

Brings joy

Silent 

Never careless 

Risk nothing

Is love

Built over time

Consistant reliability

Does not replace 

Having your own back

Knowing you have the access to the questions

to who you are 

what you want 

Be open

To new posiblities

be love

Intelligence + Intuition

Intelligence + Intuition

When I posted this blog two years ago, I titled it “The Patient Child.” Revisiting it now, I find myself entitling it (Intelligence + Intuition). However, it is as accurate with my grandson today as it was over thirty-five years ago with my daughters. As an educator, I want to ensure that my grandson has every possible chance at his best life. His strong mind is a great tool to have, but only in conjunction with the heart—a heart-mind combination. Teach your children to utilize and manage their minds, develop their emotional intelligence and listen with their hearts. As they grow, they will be better able to find the answers to life’s difficult decisions within themselves, as close as their heartbeat.

The Patient Child

When my firstborn was five months old, I bought two programs; one was how to teach your baby math, the other was how to teach your baby reading.  I wanted my daughter to have the best in life, I didn't want her to struggle in school the way I had as a child, and I was sure that this would give her a strong foundation. 

From the time she could barely sit up on her own, I carefully followed all of the directions and incorporated them into our daily routine. She seemed to enjoy the process, and to my amazement, she did very well with the programs. 

I felt like the best mother for finding a way to give my daughter a head start in the world of academics. I will never forget a time when we were playing the reading game sometime around her second birthday.  She crossed her little arms, looked me straight in the eyes, and said: "Mommy, you are getting on my nerves." 

After I got over the shock of my daughter speaking her first complete sentence, I realized that she was expressing her truth through a well-crafted sentence that she must have been trying to put together for some time. I packed up the games, placed them under the bed, and never took them out again. 

I realized that although it was true that she could learn to read and do math at six months, it wasn't the best use of her time or mine.  I realized that our time together had been more about me needing to heal my past instead of enjoying the present moment.

Find the perfection that exists in every moment instead of trying to make every moment perfect.  Be the parent you long to be. Those that love you are waiting.

Emotional Manipulation

What does emotional manipulation look like? 

    • Preventing a child from expressing negative emotions 

• Sharing inappropriate personal disclosure 

• Using empty words 

• Lying by commission or omission

• Diversion/Evasion- not responding directly to questions and instead going off at a tangent or being vague 

• Covert Intimidation. Making implied, subtle threats to place a child into a defensive position.

• Manipulating a child by using flattery, charm, and praise to gain their trust and loyalty.

• Scapegoating 

• Emotional blackmail

• Verbal aggression

• Control through money or material goods

• Behaving in a passive-aggressive manner

• Withholding of unconditional love 

• Direct or implied threats of physical punishment

• and much more

 Why do parents emotionally manipulate their children?

 Parents may use emotional manipulation out of frustration or perhaps discomfort with direct communication. Many parents fall back on how their own parents raised them. Either way, when parents revert to using emotional manipulation or invalidation, they risk preventing their children from learning how to manage their emotions and developing their emotional IQ. 

How can you become more comfortable with direct communication and be more aware of the impact you have on your child’s emotional development?

 When our children are toddlers, we can help them regulate their emotions by avoiding distressing situations or by distracting them from those situations. 

We teach young children to handle those situations by themselves by identifying their emotions. Naming emotions help toddlers learn that emotions are normal and everyday opportunities provide occasions to talk to kids about feelings: “He sure looks happy.” “Why do you think he is acting so angry?”

As they grow older, they will then begin to understand and differentiate appropriate from inappropriate emotional expressions. However, they may still find it hard to express their emotions, especially if they haven’t learned to identify and name them.

When we teach kids that their feelings are valid, we show them how to view them as normal and manageable. Our children also learn about managing their emotions by watching us manage our own emotions or by how we react to their feelings. 

In short, we can help our children manage their emotions by validating their emotions and providing a space where they feel safe to express them. 

Curiosity

Curiosity

Self-critical perfectionists are more prone to becoming intimidated by the goals they set for themselves rather than feeling motivated. They may more often feel hopeless or that their goals will never become a reality. So the question is, how can you move through it?

As a recovering perfectionist, I choose to see my decisions and negative behaviors as opportunities to learn. To be curious about why I prefer to think in a way that moves me away from my goals.

When I make mistakes, no need to make it mean that there is something wrong with me. Instead, I commit to being passionately curious. Curiosity is more important than any knowledge gained by beating myself up. True success includes curiosity, concentration, perseverance, and self-reflection.

Notice if your self-talk is true, necessary, and kind. If it is not all three, it will not be helpful. Give yourself time to wonder, time to search for the truth, and to freely draw upon your imagination. Then write it down, move on and learn from it.

WRITE IT DOWN & MOVE ON

1. What did I do, or how did I show up in a way that wasn’t my best self?

2. What was the circumstance that triggered my thought?

3. What was the thought that caused my actions?

4. Did I try to resist, or did I react?

5. If so, what worked and what didn’t?

6. What did I learn?

7. What will I do next time?

Your Capacity to Have

Your Capacity to Have

However you define success, allowing yourself to have it is often a more eye-opening journey than achieving it.  For some, it delays or even prevents us from trying. 

When I was younger, I was content with a minimum income. My thought was if I could overcome life struggles without money, I could always count on life being manageable, whether I had money or not. Although true to me at the time, my thoughts were not very helpful in achieving long-term goals.

As a young dancer in New York, I believed you had to suffer for your art and pay your dues. This thought was limiting as well. Many artists enjoyed long, lucrative careers without the lengthy struggle. So who was I to assume that that was necessary?

As a young parent, I learned that creating a safe space for our children requires us to take responsibility for our health, pay our way in the world, and nurture the relationships we care about most. Without these things, success will always be incomplete. Success is about talent and hard work, but it is also about how much you have your own back, the stories you tell yourself, and what you choose to believe. 

Long-term success or your capacity to have is about starting from where you are, leaning into compassion, and accepting your worthiness, blessings, and abundance. It is not because you deserve it or you don't deserve it, but because you are a human who is enough.

Life is a gift so let's make the most of it!